Where I Am . . . today; going; supposed to be

Today, I was looking to price a car rental for my trip to PA next week. I decided to try Priceline. I found a deal that I started to make an offer on. However, DURING, the “thinking” process I realized that something was wrong so I clicked the “back” button to cancel the request. It appeared to be successful. However, I got an e-mail from Priceline saying that my offer was accepted and the credit card was charged. I immediately called Priceline to dispute this and the customer service line kept repeating scripted lines that there was nothing that they could do. As soon as you click the submit button your offer is “bound” basically.

I understand that companies have policies but there is always something that a company can do and I found Priceline to be very difficult and disappointing to appeal my situation. I sent an e-mail to the “managment” since that was the only allowed way to talk to a supervisor - again - very disappointing!!! I have occasionally used Priceline in the past but based on my experience with their customer service today will never again use Priceline and will vehemently caution everyone I can that Priceline is not there to make their customers happy. They are very good at keeping to their phone scripts and that’s about all.

Good bye, Priceline! You are one big disappointment.

Perspective is a great thing. It can bring understanding to situations and circumstances. Unfortunately, the perspective that can help to bring closure usually comes at the cost of going through something painful. The older we get, the more pain we experience, the length and depth of our perspective becomes broader. We view current and future events through glasses of our past.

This leads me to ask - is there ultimately such a thing as “bad” pain? Parents say all the time that they just want their kids to be happy. Does this mean that a parent should never tell her child “No”? “Bad” things happen to “good” people all the time. Is this fair? “The rain falls on the just and the unjust”. Who are we to judge. Jerry Bridges in his book “Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts” gives the example of a man who looses his job but as he is leaving the office runs into an acquaintance. The result of their meeting is that the man is hired and gets a higher paying job than his previous one. What seemed like a bad situation actually lead to something better for the man. But what if this same man left his office and didn’t find work for a year or longer with less pay? Most people would judge that as a bad situation. Another great story is the “Woodcutter’s Wisdom”. Well worth the quick read but I won’t rehash the story here.

The point is that a situation is judged as good or bad if the apparent outcome is positive or negative. However, we don’t always get to look behind the curtain right away to see the bigger plan. Most of the time, the lesson, and hopefully the truth, is revealed over time. Life is a journey; not a sprint.

For me the last 6 years has been a pretty amazing journey of awareness. I have realized that I have been a coward in many ways; not intentionally but still lazy. Even though I truly wanted to do the right thing I was living my life under the influence of people. Respecting authority is one thing but determining my path according to someone else’s opinion/standards is laziness on my part.
What has God called me to do? What is He wanting me to become? How is He wanting me to live?

Micah 6:8 “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

But how many times are we caught up in each others business or in the business of people we don’t even know judging them? I have enough issues of my own to work on without getting, distracted, really, by who is where and doing what.

This may not seem like a painful process to arrive at this place but I assure you it has been an incredibly emotional journey and not a pleasant one. I am tempted to get into so many specifics but I keep coming back to - 1) what’s the point? and 2) what’s the big picture?

My current perspective is:
1. Walk humbly with my God. I am responsible for me. This journey is about me and God. Is God calling me to take the same path He has chosen for you? No. Then I shouldn’t judge my life by yours or anyone else’s.

2. God loves me - always - as I am. He is full of mercy and grace. Yes, He is holy, but that does not mean He is looking over me and yelling at me “Why do you keep messing up?” I take great comfort in finally getting that God is my cheerleader. He gets excited when I move forward. His method of motivation is not fear but love.

3. God’s grace is amazing. Can’t really add much here other than - see point #1 and #2;)

Correction - I would like to tackle one specific: homosexuality. While I do believe homosexuality is a sin - I am grieved by the way many “Christians” treat other people created in the image of God. I struggle with other sin. Sin is sin. People are people - with feelings. I think the world could stand to see a little more of Christ’s love than our judgement. “Be kind to one another”. It may seem like the “kind” thing to do to keep telling people that homosexuality is a sin - but who are you? A complete stranger that is passing judgement on someone you don’t know. See point #2.

I would like to think that being on the other end of this 6 year journey has resulted in that I am more compassionate, independent, and understanding than I was before. I entitled my blog “Where I Am” and this point is truly - where I am - today.

So, this week begins my journey to a healthier me. I know I need to loose some weight and that it be sustainable. I’ve dieted before but, like many, it comes back because, in my case, I get lazy.

Something has to change and I’m pretty excited about this pursuit for several reasons:
1. My brothers are loosing weight and I’m inspired by them.
2. I do not want to buy bigger clothes
3. I want to wear my “little black dress” and favorite pair of jeans.

What’s different this time is that I have teamed up with Mike Nelson. Mike is working on his doctorate in kinesiology and is incredibly smart when it comes to strength training and better health.
My homework thus far was to track what I eat for three days - 2 week days and 1 weekend day, take before pictures (which were humiliating), and let Mike know what resources I had available to me to exercise with. Luckily for me the building where I work has a workout room.

This week begins the exercise regimine - which is pretty easy right from the looks of it. How hard can it be? Famous last words. Seriously though I am excited to work with Mike. He has a different take on exercise.

I will be tracking my progress here and post some pictures from time to time. Here I go!!

I don’t get many tv stations. So my delight, realized that I get the Bravo channel. There are so many shows that I enjoy watching:
Millionaire Matchmaker
Kell on Earth
Million Dollar Listing
Top Chef

I think what I enjoy most is that a lot of there people on these shows are entrepreneurs. They have made a name for themselves through their business and we get to see a little bit of why they are successful. So a few lessons that I have learned:

1. You answer to no one but yourself - the buck stops with you.
2. You will have to work with difficult people and bit the bullet sometimes even when it’s not your fault.
3. You don’t have time for excuses or crying - both get you nowhere or solve the problem.
4. You are successful for a reason - you have found a recipe that works and when people question your professional opinion - it’s not a good fit for either party.
5. Disappointments happen; it’s a fact of life . . . move on.
6. Success takes hard work and usually the people who say money doesn’t matter are the people who don’t have any.

So one month from yesterday is closing day. Exciting and scary at the same time. I’m looking for a roomate so if you have any suggestions please send them my way.

Life . . . what an adventure, huh?

When you’re little you think the grown ups have all the fun. Then you grow up and realize kids have all the fun. Growing up I was always pushing for the next thing, next phase of freedom and independence. Why was I in such a hurry? It’s like those people who speed up to get to the next stop light. My mom told me when I graduated from college that “the party’s over”. Boy, was she right;)

I’d like to think that I have made progress in “being where I am”. I have learned that there is always going to be another curve of life that I want to hurry past to see what’s around the corner; or valley that I just want to try and sprint through because it hurts so. Contentment is always a battle - every phase of life has new and different challenges but my God is still the same. I need to reflect Him in that steadiness - consistency. His character doesn’t change like my circumstances.

He is big and awesome and good and sovereign and I bring Him joy - how cool of a thought is that?? I’m not writing all of this because of some big “thing” that is going on in my life. I was just thinking about how much my life has changed even in the last few years. My life is not what or where I thought it was going to be - it’s so much better!

Life is a balancing act; holding the “teeter totter” of life perfectly even is a rare event indeed. Where exactly is that sweet spot between trusting God and living in the image, with all of the abilities, of Him.

This week I finally let something go. Amazingly enough - I had one of the best weeks in a long, long time. I have learned several good lessons though. I alone am responsible for my expectations. I can’t take the easy way out and be hurt by those who don’t live up to my expectations of them. It’s cowardly of me and unfair to them.

I have also learned that if I give something I have two choices: 1) give and expect nothing in return or 2) don’t give something if I want something in return.

Again, I am reminded of two things I should never forget:
1. God loves me
2. Guard my heart

Nothing really profound but still it hurt a little to let “it” go.

As I have mentioned before running typically hasn’t been my favorite past time. However, over the course of time I have come to tolerate it kind of like pretzles. So for me to volunteer to run in this relay was a stretch for me.

I was excited about not going in to work. I was excited about spending time with my co-workers outside of the office. I was excited about doing something new and challenging.

So Friday, August 22 comes and psychologically I was prepared to run 3 miles, 3.4 miles, and then 6.5 miles. While driving to meet the first six of our team, who were already in LaCrosse, WI, we were informed that the sixth member of the team did not show up for the perfect storm of “reasons”. So we are already one person short. That meant that our van needed to get there earlier and I was going to have to run 6.8 miles instead of 3. I thought that if I took it slow and walked here and there I could do it.

It was about 1pm when Mark arrived at the exchange point and pass the “baton” to me. I had my headphones in and my sunscreen on and I was looking forward to a good run. About 2 miles in I started thinking, this is longer than I thought. I kept going. About mile 3 I was struggling but I didn’t want to let my team down since we were already one person short. However, I was starting to feel light headed and really, really wondering if I was going to make it. Plus even while walking it was an effort to walk a straight line.

My teammates were great though because they would just drive a little ahead of me and give me something to drink or walk with me and occasionally run. However, at about mile 4 I asked Lyndsy and Mark how much farther I had to go because I thought I was almost done. Lyndsy said I had about a mile and a half. I just looked at them and said I don’t think I can do it. Mark pulled me over to the side of the hill and said just sit down for a second. He then went to get something from the van. I started getting very dizzy and I grabbed his arm with which he described as a “death like grip”. He then told me to look at him and I struggled to focus. I told him I just wanted to go to sleep as my eyes rolled back into my head. He told me to stay awake and to focus on breathing and keep drinking liquids.

After a few minutes Mark asked me if I could walk to the van and I said I thought I could. I took one step and my legs were nowhere to be found. I had a complete out of body experience. My mind was aware of what people were saying and what I needed to do but my body would not obey. They got me to the next exchange point where I just stayed in the van for about 30 minutes with ice on my wrists and back of my neck. Thankfully at this exchange point they had cold, outdoor showers in which I probably spent another 20 minutes. After drinking a lot of liquids and a cold shower one of my teammates said I was finally getting my color back. I replied, “well since I am Scandinavian - that’s saying something”:)

Mark told me later that it was 98 degrees out while I was running. There were a few other factors that contributed to my heat exhaustion. I have never before wanted to just die. It took so much energy to just talk and breath much less lift a bottle to my lips to keep drinking. Thank God that Mark, having served in the military, knew exactly what to do.

So, I only ran 4 miles. I drove through the night instead and did what I could to help out my team. They were really great!! So now there were 10 people running for 12. They did a fabulous job; many of which over the course of two days ran 20+ miles. I want to do this race again next year but this time I’ll have a better idea of what to train for. I’ll post pictures later when I get them.

So this Friday I’m getting up and taking off for LaCrosse or somewhere and between Friday and Saturday running back to Minneapolis. Crazy, no? In the past the sport of running and I have had a solely hate relationship. Now I think we are on the sunny side of detest. The way this race works though is that there are twelve people, including me, on my team and we take turns running the 200ish mile course. I’m actually excited about it - ok - mark this day down that I said I was excited about running.

I think I might not be alive on Saturday but that’s ok because I know where I’m going when I die. This relay is the Ragnar Relay and they have these kind of races all over the US. We’ll see how it goes. We have two vans for the twelve of us and I’m the “captain” of van 2 and I’m the only girl so I’m really, really hoping that the guys bring some good deodorant!!!!!!!!

One year ago today at 6:05pm the 35 W bridge collapsed; a major artery running through the city of Minneapolis.

It’s one of those events where you remember where you were when you heard about it and just kept watching the local tv stations all night. The magnitude of what had happened took a while to fully comprehend.

While we are making progress on the new bridge this is a solomn day as we remember the families and lives that were directly impacted by this event.

Is God only praise worthy when bridges continue to act as bridges or is He still praise worthy when they collapse? Is He still good or has He lost the ability to sustain all things at the same time?

The God that I know is never changing - He is always good, always just. I am the clay. He is the potter. He does not have to explain Himself - justify Himself to me. So even when I don’t understand what He is doing or why I have to choose to trust Him - that’s why it’s called faith. He never said it would be easy but isn’t it so true that we learn more about who God is when He is our only answer?

The past week has been crazy. I have moved every single year since I have been back in MN at least once a year - I think the move count is up to 5; which includes the move to MN. So last night at about 12:30 when Shelly and I finally decide that we are done cleaning, packing our cars, and more that tired, dillusional really - honestly, I think I was seeing things in the elevator at 12:14am, I was so thirsty. I do not think that I have known thirst or can remember the last time I was that thirsty. No worries though because I live in the suburbs of Minneapolis. It’s not like I live in Dunbar where I might have to drive a little to get something. I stopped at four different places before I found a gas station open. Don’t they know that I only move late at night and I get thirsty moving - I need hydration people!!!!!!!!!! Why are you not open??? I was not to be deterred because remember I was dillusional. I would not be denied buying my hydration even though if I had just driven straight to my brother’s house I could’ve gotten water for free but no I needed to pay. Alas success and I could finally go to sleep.

Today I feel a little reflective about my brothers: Craig and Joel. They are both awesome and I respect them both. I love that I’m the baby of the family because as independent as I am when Craig or Joel get protective of me it just makes me feel special and safe.

I love my brother’s sense of humor. I know we are weird but it’s a bonding experience:) We can no longer go through one meal together without one of us saying that the meat is a little dry - even if there is no meat being served. I’m so glad we went to Valleyfair, just the three of us, even though it rained, and I can’t believe the things you guys said on the Tower of Power - unbelievable - I can’t even say what they said - but incredibly funny. It’s one of my favorite memories.

I respect that they both have chosen great wives and have great marriages. It means the world to me when they call me and ask how I am doing. I am a very blessed girl. I have three pretty cool, God-fearing men in my life that love me a lot (ok, the third guy is my dad - just wanted to clarify:).

So Joel and Craig - thanks for growing up:) and being great men that I love and respect.

“We are family. I got all my [brother] and me . . . “

I think over this past year one of the big lessons I have learned is I have to choose to trust God. That may not seem like any earth shattering revelation but honestly, I know I’m supposed to trust God but how many times do I find myself worrying or being anxious about what might or might not happen.

There have been several times over this past year when I have found myself anxious that I have just started to say:

Alicia, you either trust God or you don’t.

How I respond to that statement helps me to just stop for a second and get perspective. God is in control - all the time. So take a deep breath or two and rest in the knowledge that:

#1 God loves me
#2 God is good - always!
#3 Guard your heart

Therefore, remember that I am the clay and He is my great God!

I am so irritated with this infatuation over Mike Huckabee. Granted a majority of the reason Huckabee has soared from “nowhere” is that he is the current media darling, he favors a flat tax which sounds good, and he’s fairly conservative on a lot of social issues.

However, is that enough? Do we really want a candidate who doesn’t know what’s going on with something as basic as crossing the picket line to appear on the Jay Leno show when he says he supports unions or in the “scuffle” with Rush Limbaugh (”I don’t know who said it or what was said”)? Come on - if you and/or your people can’t figure this stuff out on some simple stuff like that - what are you going to do when you are no longer the media darling or when the stakes are much, much higher?
Plus you can check him out at Wikipedia and ontheissues.

He is NO fiscal conservative (see tax hike mike). For being so in favor of a flat tax it’s pretty interesting that in Arkansas he liked raise taxes - a lot!! And speaking of taxes would you like your tax dollars to pay for the education and health care for the children of illegal immigrants? I guess that would depend on where you stand on the illegal immigration issue. Which it appears Mike Huckabee takes a much softer stance on illegal immigration and amnesty then his presidential web site would ever lead you to believe - see Americans for Legal Immigration.

What about foreign policy? Did you know that Huckabee endorses a “golden rule” philosphy in dealing with countries like Iran?? How naive is that?

Do we really want Mike Huckabee to be the face of evangelical Christians? Does it just bother me that in Iowa his tv ads put emphasis on his faith while in New Hampshire his tv ads focus more on his stand on issues; as if the very fact that he is a Christian is his golden ticket to the evangelical vote? I would rather have someone of faith who is a true conservative: socially, judicially, and fiscally than someone who is the “poster child” of evangelicals, of whom I would broadly place myself, then be embarrassed of how he represents the name of Christ.

Mike Huckabee is NOT the only pro-life/ pro-family (one man, one woman) candidate. Don’t give Huckabee a free pass just because he is an evangelical. He’s alreay displaying discrepancies - his presidential web site says one thing but his record says another.

My vote: Fred Thompson

I just finished reading two powerful books. I am not a big reader so when I pick up a book it has got to capture my attention.

The first book is really not that new but it was new to me. It’s “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhausen. It’s a must read not only for married women but also for those of us still single. It’s a revelation on how guys think. I use the word revelation because even though I already knew some elements of the book I did not realize the depth or extent of how men think or feel about certain issues.

Secondly, even though I do like most country music, I picked up this next book because I had read a snipet in a magazine regarding this book. The author is Denise Jackson, wife of Alan Jackson, and the title is “It’s All About Him - finding the love of my life“. One would think that she is refering to Alan but she’s not. I was pleasantly suprised and really deeply moved by her transparency and the depth of her relationship with the Lord. Really, Really a great read.

It’s bad - awful, terrible - leaves you speechless and I just can’t stop watching it. I’m okay - in case anyone was wondering.

It’s so true it just feels very sur-real. I woke up this morning and I actually thought that it was just a bad dream; it wasn’t. The pictures in the paper this morning are just amazing. As I read the survivor and eyewitness reports I feel my eyes getting watery. I can’t imagine the sound of a bridge collapsing nor the feeling those drivers had free falling 30+ feet.

I remember thinking on my way to my car last night to run an errand that I am beginning to hate Wednesdays. Those from Northland will probably understand why.

Just amazing.

I found out on Saturday that a guy that I used to like - a lot - is engaged and getting married soon.

While I am truly happy for him and I know that we would have killed each other if we had tried to make it work - I still wanted to cry.

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I was just saddened. I graduated from college and I had many friends who left single. There was some comfort in knowing that I was not the only one moving on - by myself.

Even as the years passed and more of my friends got married there were those few who were still single with me and that was a little comforting.

BUT when those who have been single as long as me or longer started getting married I began to feel like I’m the last one picked for gym class.

He wasn’t supposed to get married before me. That was going to be my sweet revenge for his stubborness. How juvenile is that??

I know God has a plan and I know that whoever “he” is is going to be just stellar but I would like stop holding on to that by just faith. I would like to stop putting on a brave face at my friend’s and family’s weddings. I don’t begrudge them their happiness at all - it just reminds me that they now have a part of their lives that I cannot relate too.

Friendships change with marriage and that sucks - yes, I said that word.

And then I got a voice mail from my cousin, Micah. I miss him a lot and his voice mail reminded me of that. Micah, more than anyone, lived out the whole SMH and I summer - whatever that was - and knows that whole story.

Everything reminds me of a song. This particular situation made me think of the title of this blog by Switchfoot. All the lyrics may not exactly fit but suprisingly enough - enough of them are more than adequate.

Well, I’m not literally looking for a cowboy. I just liked the title of the song and thought it kind of fit for this entry. I wasn’t setting out today to write on my blog. However, I came across this article on Christianity Today as I was surfing the internet; ironically on a completely different topic. To better understand this entry you really have to read the article and the first response first.

Cross refernce that with Elisabeth’s entry, “What’s Your Story”, on her blog .

It got me thinking again about Christian men and women. Our world is becoming more and more dominated by women. In the female indoctrinated society that infiltrates the Christian womens circle I feel we, as a whole, are chasing away the very thing we seek: a godly, growing Christian man.

I know I am preaching to the choir in my circle of friends. Even so I occasionally catch myself, in my effort to be self-sustaining, and not necessarily because I want to, “emasculating” my Christian brothers.

How do I do this?? By not letting them be men. By not always letting them help me when they offer; by not building them up whenever possible instead of taking pot-shots in the sometimes effort to be “funny”. The latter I think is where I offend the most.

The Christianity Today article is pretty poigniant. Even more so the first response to the article hits the nail on the head.

I think I’ve realized that because there is a shortage of strong Christian males in our pool that there is an underlying resentment toward those who do present themselves for either not asking myself or my Christian sisters out; which does not help my cause:)

*Side note: I’m saying the pool is small because of the literal male to female ratio in most Christian circles.

I will admit that just because two parties are Christian does not mean that they should get married. Ideally, yes, that should be enough - realistically - it’s not. There is timing, and maturity, and a little thing called chemistry - as I have noted in a previous and I think hilarious entry entitled: Back to Square 1.

Anyway, I’m just putting out a general apology to my Christian brothers. I don’t envy you in this respect - there is a lot of pressure on you.

So is the bottom line that we both need to relax and breathe and focus on our walk with God and let Him lead us to each other OR is the bottom line that we are both lazy in the guise of “just let God lead” and not praying more fervently to be blessed in the institution that He Himself has ordained?

We have finally cracked the 70 degree temperature mark. Spring is here - yeah!!
sandals, shorts, t-shirts, sand volleyball hopefully - good times ahead.

Now that I am on facebook I probably won’t be writing so much on my blog. For now I’m going to keep my blog because you never know when it may come in handy.

Later dudes!!!

So I was listening to the radio this morning and this show has a game called “Blow It for Everyone”. They have 3 callers that each have to answer a true/false question. All 3 have to get it right in order for all to get the prize. Today’s prize were tickets to a pre-screening for the movie Premonition. I really want to see this movie. It looks/sounds like a classic Alfred Hitchcock kind of suspense/thriller. I called, I got through, I answered my question correctly, and am going to the pre-screening. I’m very excited to see Sandra Bullock play this kind of role.

My question is: what have you had a premonition about??